Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Good news for all you Heather Mallick fans!

Teaching column-writing course at U of T

I notice that there has been some spirited commentary on the BT blog roll lately about the English stylings of ex-Toronto Sun, ex-Globe columnist Heather Mallick.

Well, try to stand erect and lissen up, fellow knuckle-draggers! Thanks to the magnanimity of her ladyship -- or the continuing decline of the media industry -- now we low foreheads have an opportunity to learn how to write just like her, and at a bargain price to boot:

The U of T offers a shiny new course this fall called How To Write A Column.

The outline: “Good column-writing is rare, and it isn’t easy.”

(Oh, baby.)

“Find your distinct voice and style, and write in a clear, persuasive way.”

(Damn straight.)

“You will be asked to write and polish one column per week.”


The prof is Heather Mallick, one of the finest writers I know, and I’m sure it’s worth every bit of $569 for the term.
--Mike Strobel, Toronto Sun, September 5

Sadly, I will not be participating, as I paid well in excess of that for my Ryerson journalism degree – and look where I ended up. But there's still hope for you young guys. So go forth and divide. Starting October 6th.

But seriously, those of you who think Mallick deserves to go to hell, take it from me: teaching retirees with $569 to blow will seem like hell for someone of her towering self-regard.


Anonymous said...


Joan Tintor said...

I see you have no need of Mallick's instruction.

Anonymous said...

You really can be quite churlish and petty, do you know that? Is it jealousy?

I suspect that's why no one finds your writing all that compelling. It's really quite dreary.

But do keep trying. And you've always got those Conservative government contracts to tide you over, eh?

Joan Tintor said...

My contract expired long ago, actually, but thanks for caring, anon.

jckirlan said...

Hmm!? Looks like Anon 1:14 has already taken Comrade Mallick's course.
Not to worry though, Makllick will survive with another grant from some government agency.

Dennis Prouse said...

I thought that Jon Kay delivered a rather effective smackdown to Mallick in this morning's Post. "Mallick used to be somebody in this business". Ouch. Kay was right in that Mallick's screed against Sarah Palin said a lot more about Mallick's private goblins than it did about the Governor of Alaska. In a perverse way, though, I enjoy reading Mallick, as she is a faithful barometer as to what is irking the angry left these days.

Anonymous said...

"Mallick used to be somebody in this business".

Coming from a nobody like Jonathan "My mummy got me my job" Kay, that's quite the withering critique.

Heh heh. Furious mediocrities are such fun.

Hannibal Lectern said...


Its nice to see the anonymous turd muffins coming out to crap on your blog -- must mean its fall election season so the Dippers and Cashbagliano crowd is out eating and defecating up a storm.

Anyhoo, this fall from grace for Heather The Hackmeister will certainly be interesting to watch. Do you know if Toronto's resident pussy -- aka Warren Kinsella will be acting as substitute teacher when main instructor Heather has some type of cotton pilling problem that prevents her from attending?

I suspect that once WK's favorite Weather Underground terrorist lovin' empty suit The One is trounced in November and becomes just another one of The Many, that he'll be looking to supplement his cash flow.

Kind Regards,

Joan Tintor said...

Did you mean to say turd puffins Hannibal?

Sorry, couldn't resist. Thanks for the feedback.

I should have admitted to one of anon's earlier kicks that I probably WAS a little envious of Mallick's great book reviewing in the Sun (where she was no doubt unread and unappreciated). But as Fred Willard says, "Hey, wha' happen'?!"

Security said...

"I see you have no need of Mallick's instruction."


Hannibal Lectern said...

"turd puffins"

Aye, Captain, I dinna choose the right word.

Hannibal Lectern said...

Good column-writing is rare, as you can see by reading any of my columns and that ain't (oops "isn't" Editor - Toronto Star) easy. Find your distinct voice and style, along with a colonoscopy and an 8 hour wait in your local Emergency Ward. Learn to write in a shrill, hysterical manner.

You will be asked to write and polish one shrill, vapid turd puffin per week. Learn what to read for constipation and perspiration, how to lie in job interviews, distort quotes, develop boneheaded ideas and conspiracy theories, avoid doing any real work and create writing that reflects no original thought or new information, even as it makes a case for Barack Obama for President.

Run on Barack Obama; Run On!

Hannibal Lectern said...

Dear Joan,

Based upon the latest evisceration of St Heather of Malice, I think that the parody posted as Comment #12 on your fine public parchment would make a nice addition to a thread running over on Michelle Malkin's Hot Air right about now.

Greta Van Sistine Chapel said...

Mallick couldn't go 30 seconds in a boxing ring with me.

Joan Tintor said...

I apologive for the delay in approving the last comment. Have been away from Hotmail for a few days.

Hannibal Lectern said...

"I apologive for the delay in approving the last comment. Have been away from Hotmail for a few days."

If we keep meeting like this in the comments section, people may think we're dating.

I'm Hannibal Lectern and I approved this massage, er, message.

Joan Tintor said...

I happened to catch Van Susteren interviewing David Warren the other night.

First of all, I suspect that being attacked on Fox News is Mallick's wet dream. Even better, Van Susteren called her a "pig" (out of line, in my view), so Mallick has a fig leaf to cover her refusal to go on Fox.

Hannibal Lectern said...

"Van Susteren called her a "pig" (out of line, in my view)"

Well, not to differ with my deferential host too much, but Van Sustern's and Warren's point was that journos such as Mallick who are grown and hatched at the CBC never learn to give and take because they play the role of King Xerxes invading the rubes in the Peloponnese. I don't know if St Mallick literally composes these foam flecked bromides while on the throne (seen on wall sign: flush twice, its a long way to Washington, DC) but she doesn't seem to be a slave to Aristotle's principle of non-contradiction these days, does she?

Perhaps she can launch Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman on some type of Special Forces reconaissance mission to Van Sustern's home and show everyone who the real fashion swine is. That'll teach the helots at Fox their place in the public pecking order.

I'd also suggest a naval blockade using Persian Trireme's but I think they're slated for an expansion in the West Edmonton Mall.

I mean, lets be blunt, Warren said that Mallick comes from a town even smaller than Palin's home town, which sends a flare gun up that the star of Mallick's Web (oops, there you go again -- Ed. Toronto Star) doth protest too much as her envy shows a mite green when tossing her durum semolina encomium.

What's a poor girl (ed - gender bias) to do in Canada? We all know that the respectable path to power in Canada is to bootlick at Mother Corp, film the requisite toast with FLQ terrorists and then count down the days until the Prime Minister's Dispassionate Eye springs you from your defined benefit pension plan and makes you Governor General of Canada.

Palin scratched that CD; its unplayable now. Time to do the Edward Munsch Scream in print and hope that someone hears it before the MSM goes the way of the Enchanted Forest.

A pig? Well, lets see in November who's bringin' home the bacon.

Hannibal Lectern said...

Oh, and what Michael Coren said.


Joan Tintor said...

Yes, I especially enjoyed the anecdote about how Mallick went apes*** when The Women's Post hired Coren to do a column.